I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
