shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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