So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
