Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
