Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We are all done wearing pants today
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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