I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just found a bag of teeth...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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