My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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