How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
