the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
