My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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