i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
