So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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