i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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