I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
