I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
