I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I intend to get homeless drunk
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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