Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
