I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
