so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
