I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I did not marry a roomba.
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