People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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