i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
