Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
