Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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