the condom got lost in my hair
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm just crazy horny about you
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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