can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
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I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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