I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
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Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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