Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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