I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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