We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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