the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
