There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
