I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
