I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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