I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just had sex on a roof
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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