i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
