i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
