youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
