Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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