so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
