She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
