ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
