I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
