Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
