I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
