is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
