so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
