You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
