Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
MIDGETS
????
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
