I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
