I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
