Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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