watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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