I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
